Using Non-Judgemental Self Observation to do Enneagram Work
The personality as a coping strategy
Consider this: What if you developed a mask of traits in childhood to make your way in the world? What if your personality was an early coping strategy to become attached to caregivers and attempt to be loved? This mask may have kept you safe, helped you gain acceptance or become successful. You may have been praised and validated for these traits which increased their value and worth to you. However, over time you begin to notice that these same strategies lose their effectiveness leaving behind a feeling of "stuck" and a quality of life less than desired . Old motivations lose their spark. The “helpfulness” is gone, yet we can’t seem to break out of the patterns that are deeply engrained in us. Most of the time we are unaware that these patterns exist, the extent of problems they bring or how to move in a different direction. Eventually we may find ourselves saying things like:
“I didn’t mean to do that.”
“I’ve always been this way"
"I don't know how to stop."
"I find myself apologizing for the same things all the time."
"I am so tired of myself."
Making the unconscious conscious
Our automatic patterns along with your personal experiences make up your personality. The personality in automatic pilot operates as a kind of “waking sleep.” The stories we tell about ourselves and the mask of personality that we wear keep us from our true self, our Essence. We confuse our personality with who we truly are. The Enneagram will not help you "find yourself" because you are not lost. However, we all have “forgotten” about our Essence and paradoxically, feel its absence. Sifting through the layers of personality to see which no longer fit anymore is work on the path of "returning to self".
The first step is to become aware of our individual and automatic patterns. In my Enneagram classes we spend time practicing “non-judgemental self-observation” or NJSO. NJSO involves eventually noticing what we are doing, feeling and thinking as it’s happening from a vantage point of an "inner observer." For example, instead of being lost in anxiety as it’s happening, NJSO could look like noticing and observing your body and mind experiencing anxiety in real-time-- the heaviness in your chest, numbness in feet, mind racing, worry-- whatever anxiety looks like for you. To be able to notice what is happening in your body, mind and heart takes profound self-awareness. It is not an “out of body” experience or a detachment but rather a “less-attached observing.” Observing ourselves is a skill that takes much practice as it is a muscle that has probably not been used much. Over time we can learn to notice and observe this information without criticism, impulse to do something or "figuring it out." It took a considerable amount of learning, reading about the "how-to" and bumpy practice for me to observe myself in the moment. Although it has become "second nature" for me over time, I still have to remind myself to slow down and stay present enough TO NOTICE.
Without judgement
After we get a hang on the noticing we shift gears to the “non-judgmental” part. Depending on your personality this may be easy or difficult for you. For my husband, an Enneagram type 7, he was able to learn from his observations and accept what he saw. Some of this "intel" led him to make changes, while other observing led him to be more aware of his emotional experience (or lack of). There was not much judgement about what he saw, but rather understanding. In contrast my expereince was a whole different thing laced with judgement and self-criticism. I’m certain my Enneagram Type 1 patterns contributed to the inner judgement and shame I felt. For me, the journey moved slowly, required help processing some of the more difficult realizations and led me to discover I did not practice or undersatnd self-compassion. After a few years of practice, slowing down and inner work, I can now offer compassion to myself much quicker-- sometimes even in the moment. It has been a big shift for me, causing me to be kinder to myself and others and reducing the inner anger load I was carrying.
In my experience as an Enneagram practitioner I have seen non-judgemental self-observation be difficult for all the types. If this has been your experience: keep trying and working and seeking help. Your mind, body and heart will thank you. The peoople in your life with thank you.
Have you learned to observe yourself non-judgmentally? What has worked for you? Would you like to learn? Contact me if that feels good. Enneagram.Angie@gmail.com
Coming soon: How do we “practice” NJSO?
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